Tootsie-angst

Disquiet: A feeling of anxiety or worry. Synonyms include the nouns unrest and uneasiness; some synonymic verbs are perturb, disturb, trouble, worry, agitate or alarm.

“Disquiet” is the perfect word for the feeling I’ve had lately.

I’m disquieted by my aching feet. Perturbed because there’s no good reason for them to ache. The pain, which resembles (I’m guessing here, thank goodness) what it feels like after having the bottoms of your feet beaten for hours with bamboo canes, troubles me. I’m alarmed because my feet haven’t hurt like this for many, many years, and uneasy because when my feet did ache like this, I was also experiencing frequent, devastating rheuma flares. Disabling, crippling, whimper-eliciting flares.

So I’m disquieted, even though I have not experienced even one Frankenflare from out of the past. Nevertheless, I’m worried that one is lurking behind the closet door of the near-future. When my feet ache in the morning like I’ve been standing on them all night instead of lying in bed, sleeping quietly, it makes me feel sort of anxious.

I can’t help it.

I’m also concerned that by stressing over something that only might be imminent, I’m setting myself up to actually experience it. Is this just another vicious circle, courtesy of rheumatoid arthritis? Pain causes anxiety causes pain?

I think it just might be. You know the usual vicious circle: rheuma pain causes sleeplessness causes fatigue causes pain causes sleeplessness… Or that other vicious circle that goes: rheuma pain causes muscle tension causes rheuma pain causes… You get my drift.

So how do I ease my disquiet? I’m trying to ignore my stupid aching feet, but unfortunately, each time I take a step they remind me of their presence.  They also nag me when I’m sitting still, my weight off them. They grumble at me in a low, constant throb, for subjecting them to such punishment. Bamboo canes!?

But I didn’t do it! I cry at them. Leave me alone! Geez Louise!

I take my daily cocktail of anti-rheuma drugs faithfully, still hoping against hope to ward off  the Frankenflares. I also take painkillers ranging from Tylenol Arthritis formula to Tramadol to Vicodin, all with great care and only as needed, but not one of them has had any appreciable effect on the foot pain.

Which, of course, brings on more tootsie-angst.

Sigh.